HOME
PLAYING
LITERARY
LIVING
RELATIONSHIPS
INNER DIRECTIONS
MONEY
HEALTH
TABLE CLOTH
MARKETPLACE
A LA CARTE
ABOUT BOOMER CAFÉ

Reaching Goals: A Balance Between Independence and Connectedness

By Diana Robinson, Ph.D

Many of us spend time and energy on achieving goals in one direction, only to undo them when we feel a need to move back in the other.

Normal human beings have need for both independence and connectedness. To avoid the waste of effort as we move back and forth, we need to decide where we are most comfortable. Then we can work toward a lifestyle that encompasses the chosen levels of both. How much independence are we prepared to surrender in order to retain the support of our family or community? How much connectedness are we prepared to give up to pursue our independence and do our own thing?

There are no definite right or wrong standards to guide us, therefore these decisions often remain unmade.

The answers may be strongly affected by the "tribal ethic" of our family or community. As an addictions counselor, I have seen people whose lives are endangered, but who are unable to work the recovery that they desperately desire, because they would have to separate from unhealthy family members. Psychologists call such families "enmeshed." Another way to put it is, "If one person stubs her toe, the rest of the family limps for a month."

In the opposite direction, there are families whose traditions may involve physical or emotional separation, greatly increasing independence but reducing the availability of support and connectedness.

Going against traditions that stem from early childhood may be extremely difficult. Yet, if we do not choose, we may spend our lives alternately seeking and then fleeing from opposing goals and lifestyles at either end of the dimension. The more extremely we approach one end, the more likely is a potentially disruptive rebound to the other.


Diana Robinson, Ph.D., can be reached at Diana@ChoiceCoach.com, or visited on the web at http://www.choicecoach.com

Copyright 1997, 98, 99, by Coach U, all rights reserved.

This content may be forwarded in full, with copyright/contact/creation
information intact, without specific permission, when used only in a
not-for-profit format. If any other use is desired, permission in writing
from CoachU is required, with notification to the original author. Questions:  email pam@coachu.com

Back to Inner Directions