"Attention, Shoppers ... !!!"
by Steve Solomon
On
a recent visit to the supermarket --- I won’t give out the name
--- I picked up my item .... a bottle of TUMS (don’t ask why, it’s
my age). I headed for the checkout. “Let’s see .... Register
One looks like they’re giving things away, and has a lady buying
enough food to hold her through Armageddon.
Register Two has a rather senior gentleman with a fistful of coupons, many of which WILL be good until Dec of 1996.
Register Three has a light flashing. In Brooklyn, in the 60s, we used to call that the LEO button. That’s when the register stopped working and the girl would shout LEO!!!! Let’s see .... even though there are about 300 people trying to check out ....
Registers 4,5,6,7,8, 9.10, and 11 are closed. But wait!!! The express aisle only has ONE person waiting.
You know the old adage, if it’s too good to be true, it usually isn’t. One person?? Me in a rush??? Have the Gods smiled upon me????
“Wait Steve,” I said to myself. You know that most of the checkout clerks on the Express line are trainees ... many non-English speaking. An argument between a clerk speaking Spanish and a 90 year old grouch speaking Italian usually requires United Nation intervention. Perhaps this time, in fact definitely this time ... all will go well. I’ll go for it.
I
entered the “10 Items or Less EXPRESS” line with great trepidation
and cautious optimism as I watched the little old lady S L O W L Y remove
10 items from her basket (yes only 10 ... I counted, and so do you). The
basket doubled as her walker. She proceeded to place everything (according
to SIZE) on the counter. Peering into the distance, I noticed that the
other lines were moving rather briskly. No fear, I thought, Mother Hubbard’s
stuff in front of me began being rung up.
Then, the trainee checkout girl, who kept, for some reason, looking into the scanning gun announced: "Dat will be $13.45."
“Please God ... don’t let the little lady hand her an out of state check and have no ID. PLEASE!. Please don’t let her have to “put something back.” Please don’t let the register tape run out. Please!
And then it happened, The little lady said those four words, the dreaded words which mean I'll now miss my plane, miss my show and spend the next 45 minutes in this line. ”I HAVE EXACT CHANGE.” And so it began. She unzipped her pocketbook, searched for her purse, found the purse, removed The Club protecting that purse and began foraging.
“Here’s a 10 ... here’s three ones ... how much was that again?"
"45 CENTS MORE!" I shouted. She looked up at me with disdain and continued. “Here’s a quarter, oh there’s that dime." She looked up at the register. I smiled through my teeth.
“ANOTHER TEN CENTS,” I said. She continued. “Now, I know I had another dime in here somewhere." I thought quickly .... before she began to remove every item from a purse the size of a knapsack, I took out a dime from MY pocket, bent down and said ...”Did you drop this??” She said “YES.” I moved in front of her, helped her place her things in her basket, and got her on her way.
When I stepped back in line, an old gentleman who JUST got in line said, “Hey ... no cutting in.” I expressed myself with the proper hand gesture ... and left.
You
can check Steve out at: 