by Bob Kaz

Saturdays when I was a kid had some great shows that kept me sitting on my mini platform rocker for hours. The number one cowboy show was The Lone Ranger. This guy was awesome. Good looking. A great voice. Never ever got dirty, even though he rode around dust all day. A great hat that never fell off. Guns that were beautiful with silver bullets. A horse that was smarter than most people. And his trusty companion, Tonto.

Poor Tonto! As I got older I grew to feel sorry for this guy. First of all he saves the Lone Ranger's life after the "Butch Cavendish" gang uses the Ranger for target practice, and he is paid back by being the Ranger's designated flunky. "Thanks for saving my life Tonto, I will never forget, now polish my boots." The Ranger and Tonto would ride into some mean sounding town, and camp on the outskirts near a rock. These towns always had names like Alkali Springs, Snake River, Devils Bend, Tombstone. Would life have not been better for these two guys if they went to Pleasantville or Nice Valley?

They would ride in, and make camp, and the Ranger would tell Tonto to go into town and snoop around. Now, I may be wrong, but in the late 1800s, white people in towns with mean names hated Indians. Tonto goes into town for nothing special, and he is always knocked on the head or beat up and captured. His skull must have looked like a road map The Ranger is back at camp pressing his outfit and looking into his mirror, and Tonto rides in and falls off his horse. The Ranger acts concerned and holds Tonto's head so he doesn't bleed on his light gray pants. Which by the way are awfully tight for a guy who rides the range.

The Ranger then decides to get into one of his disguises, and go into town. I often wondered why he put on a disguise, because no one ever saw his face, and he was never in that town before, and no one probably gave a damn. And the disguise was always a prospector or something similar. He would use a phony voice. Why? Who would recognize it? No one cared! Where did he keep these disguises? He only had two little saddle bags on the back of Silver.

The bad guys would catch on that he was there. He and Tonto would attack the bad guys, and the Ranger would tell Tonto to draw the bad guys' fire while he snuck up on them. The Ranger would get into the shack, and get the draw on Bart. Anyone named Bart was always a bad guy. Why would a mother name her child Bart knowing he would grow up to be a bank robber? As the Ranger held them at bay, another bad guy would walk in, and attack the Ranger from behind, because there were still four minutes left in the show. The Ranger would be knocked out, and the bad guys would reach for his mask. One guy would always say "wait."

Why??? Pull it off. I want to see his face! They would wait for some unknown reason, and the Ranger would come to and keep his identity secret. Hey Ranger, who cares!? If they pulled his mask off, what would they see? A guy with a tan line around his mask. The bad guys would be put in jail, and the townsfolk would look around to thank the Ranger, and he would be gone. The people would ask the sheriff who that masked man was. The sheriff would look out the window, with a stupid look, and say, "He's the Lone Ranger." If I was the sheriff, I would be thinking, "Who the hell invited that asshole to my town?! I could have caught those crooks without him. Who needs him?!"

One time I would like to see the Ranger and Tonto riding into the sunset, and the conversation would go like this: "Hey Ranger, it would be nice if we stuck around, and got the reward. The money is just sitting in an escrow account gaining interest. It's our money, and if we had some we could stay in hotels, and not sleep by some rock, outside of town. It would also be nice to have a real meal once in a while. Beans and coffee can only go so far, and the gas is terrible. I make no money. I have no hospitalization, and my head is like mush. I have no retirement program. And I haven't had a vacation in years. On Halloween no one pays attention to us. I have no girlfriends and people are starting to talk."

Superman also had similar problems. He never got paid and everybody was trying to figure out who he was. Now if someone saves my life, or the whole world, I could care less who he is. Although Superman did have some great options that the Lone Ranger did not have. For example, X-ray vision, which came in handy for seeing through walls and possibly Lois Lane's outfits. Although he also could see through Perry White's clothing, which is an ugly thought..

Superman also had stupid friends like Jimmy Olson and Lois Lane and various professors who were the dumbest people ever created. Lois hated Clark Kent, but loved Superman. Hey Lois, have your eyes checked. Jimmy was too stupid to even recognize himself in a mirror. There also was a professor in every show who invented a machine that could change dirt into gold, but he would always get into a car with a stranger named "Knuckles" as he left his interview with Clark. At the end of the show, as Superman was chasing Knuckles, Knuckles would proceed to shoot about 14 bullets from his six shooter and then throw the gun at him. I often wondered what Knuckles was thinking when he did that. At that point I would throw my gun down and compliment Superman's outfit, get on my knees and beg for mercy.

Whatever Superman told them not to do, they did. Superman also did things that bothered me as a kid. He never used a door when he came into a building. He would crash through the wall just to the left of an existing entrance way. He also would take bombs into a corner, and have them explode in his crotch. Could he not just toss them into space? Is this how he got his kicks?? And how did his mother sew his suit together when bullets and knives didn't penetrate it? I wonder!

Super heroes could have saved a lot of time, if they would quit hanging around with stupid people like Jimmy Olson, Lois Lane and various genius professors. Also if they would never go into a town with a bad name like Snake Flats. And never talk to guys named Bart. There are no good Barts! If they did this they could lead normal lives and get real jobs and Tonto could get a girlfriend.

Writer Bob Kaz lives in Erie, Pennsylvania. His email is glo_bob@msn.com .

 

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